My mother told me on her birthday this year that she will ‘never feel the right age again in life’. For a moment, I thought about the question I had just asked her. ‘Do you feel your age?’ I remember turning nineteen. I felt this shift that, growing up, you expect to feel around your birthday. I suddenly felt like I was in my body at the right time. I still feel that way now, at almost twenty two. Yet, saying the words ‘almost twenty two’ don’t quite feel right.
I ponder if that's the stigma revolving around it but I don’t have a fear, or judgement, of age - just death. My mum says she still feels twelve, still feels sixteen. She’s always been a child at heart. As someone who has closely observed her and not left her side for twenty two years, I can concur this. She had me in her early twenties, went to university after having my sister in her late twenties - and although I strive for a similar age gap with my own children, there was a lot my mother did not experience and a lot that she definitely did; whether I know it or not.
My mum giggles like a child, flirts like a teenager with my dad (which they practically both were when they met) and she still feels very deeply. I hope to feel as deeply as she does when I am her age. I feel that at twenty one, I can sometimes be a brick when it comes to emotion. Emotional abuse prolonging years will do that to you. But I don’t wish to be the product of that. I wish to be a product of my mother. I notice the inner child in me come out when I’m around my boyfriend. I cry when I read books that remind me of what reading felt like as a kid. I resonate with art that reminds me of my childhood. We are all our inner child, emotional brick or not. And not everyone will wish to be the product of their mother, I get that. But I wish that everyone finds the things that brings their childish giggle out every day.
Food with Bella
Cost of Living and Food in the UK.
By now I'm certain everyone reading this has noticed that over the past ten years the prices in the food we eat have skyrocketed, to astronomical levels. Freddos that were once 10p are now £1.25 and a quick trip to the shop will set you back a small fortune. As a university student I feel that the cost of living massively affects the food I eat, with rent in places like London and Brighton being jaw-droppingly expensive, our student loan definitely doesn't stretch to include any kind of food budget. Worst of all university students are definitely made to feel the brunt of the cost of living crisis even more so, when on campus food shops set extortionate prices, (and put cheese in security boxes), knowing that students have nowhere else to go. Worst yet, the Trussell Trust’s latest report indicated that in September 2023, 320,000 people had no choice but to turn to the charity for emergency food parcels, an 11% increase in comparison to last year. How have we gotten to a place so truly dark, that children are relying on free school meals to eat, and people have no other options but to steal the food they so desperately need?
These simply appalling facts should be rightfully shocking. According to the United Nations, ‘the right to food is the right to have regular, permanent and unrestricted access—either directly or by means of financial purchases— to quantitatively and qualitatively adequate and sufficient food corresponding to the cultural traditions of the people to which the consumer belongs.’ This raises significant questions, if food is a human right, why is it not free? If you need something for survival, a basic necessity; food, water, shelter - why do we allow our heinous, cruel government to cast people out onto the streets, and send our children to school hungry? It is a simple question, and so desperately needs to be resolved to ensure this perpetual cycle of food being out of reach for so many. I feel so fortunate to have never found myself in such a position, but simply the fact that as a society we are locking up lurepark, treating such basic and necessary items as luxuries is terrifyingly dystopian.
So what can we do?
Donate to food/ baby banks!! Now I fully understand that not everyone may be in the financial situation to do so, however most supermarkets in the UK have a little box at the end of the tills whereby shoppers can donate long lasting food items, which will be sent directly to your local food bank.
Help others!! Once again this requires you to be in a privileged position, but helping out in your community is a wonderful thing. Maybe you know a housemate is struggling, or an elderly neighbour is struggling to get the food they need? Community meals are brilliant! In my university house we often cook communally and it massively reduces costs. Everyone could contribute a vegetable or some form of carbs, or buy the ingredients and split it between you!
Controversial, even though it shouldn’t be, but if you ever see someone stealing baby formula, nappies or baby food.. TURN A BLIND EYE. You didn't see that. And if someone stealing to feed their baby bothers you so much, pay for it yourself. But never report someone in a desperate situation, as one day that could be you.
VOTE!! Local elections are coming up next month, vote for the change you want to see in your local community. Austerity cuts, gentrification and the cost of living crisis along with a ridiculously low minimum wage and sky-rocketing housing costs have crippled our country into an unrecognisable mess, and voting for more compassionate parties will make a world of difference.
With all that said, spread peace and love to all, as the world is really going through it right now.
Fashion with Paula
Statistically, Gen Z has set itself apart as the least religious generation thus far. This is most likely in direct response to conservative propaganda and the extreme religiosity of Baby Boomers. However, religious imagery has become a hot trend in modern media, especially in the fashion world. Although fashion has been inspired by religion for ages, there’s been a clear uptick in the past two years. From the Holy Trinity Bikini as seen on Addison Rae to Marcelo Gaia’s Catholic-inspired collection, the appeal of religion has gone down in practice, but up in theory.
The CEO of this trend seems to be the street fashion brand Praying, creators of internet favorites such as the aforementioned Holy Trinity Bikini and the God’s Favorite trucker hat. Their designs could be described as Lolita-meets-trailer-park, reminiscent of grunge Americana in an uncanny valley way. It takes the stereotype of Christian America and turns it on its head—haunting, but in a way that draws in the exact crowd it wants.
This has been the most common approach to implementing Christianity in fashion: eery, off-putting, but make it cunty. Think if Ethel Cain collabed with Charli XCX. I’d argue that the whole thing is clearly tongue-in-cheek, an ironic sentiment to counteract the Christian culture that threatens to infringe on our livelihood. You can tell by how many queer folks online are leaning into this trend instead of away from it, reclaiming the very structure that so violently shuts them out. And besides, what does Gen Z love to do in the face of threats? Laugh at it.
As someone who grew up in a deeply Christian household, I’m all for it. I’m dying for a trucker hat to deem me as God’s Favorite, and Marcelo Gaia’s collection is one of my longstanding favorites. Do I think mini skirts with “Jesus Saves” written across the back is going to be in style forever? Of course not. But in a world of red MAGA hats, this is the current counterculture. Fashion will forever be inspired by its greatest enemies, as will all art. And like all art, the faux-religious fervor most likely won’t be going anywhere; it’ll just shapeshift into something new when it’s ready.
Mental Health with Daria
“I’ve pinched my skin between my two fingers and wished I could cut some parts off with some scissors.” – Nightmare, Halsey.
I used to be a dancer. I went to a performing arts school, you see. I was a musical theatre kid. I was also a gym pig. And anorexic. And bulimic. And struggling with binge-eating. The whole circus, really. So you can imagine what kind of body I had. The toned muscles, the sunken eyes, the abs on my torso, the sallow cheekbones, the lithe legs and brittle hair.
I am 23 this year. My first eating disorder was a decade ago – I was 13. I remember the day so vividly, sitting in the back of the family car, on the way home from the garage, realising for the first time that I was fat. Funnily enough, that was the very same way I thought I was ugly for the first time, around 5 years earlier. Needless to say, I don’t like being in cars.
From the ages of 13 to 19, I struggled. With my weight, body image, confidence — you name it. I fully believe I peaked at age 17. It was the height of my performance ‘career’. The height of my beautiful body. But once I had finished school and decided to pursue Literature, the dance lessons stopped. The performances stopped. The gym, because of the pandemic, was a no-go (shout out to Chloe Ting). I started to move less, and as my body headed into a new decade, I was losing my claw-tight grip. My body changed. Is still changing. And no matter how ‘healed’ I am from the decade-long tango of bingeing and laxatives and starving and to-ing and fro-ing with consciousness and fear, the scars still linger. I wish I could say that when I look in the mirror, I am okay with what I see. That part of an eating disorder has fused into my brain. Into my very being. So, in truth, I am still struggling. But let’s look at the bright side.
Recovery isn’t linear. I might not be perfectly content, but I can drink more than 300ml of water in a span of 5 hours without breaking down. I can eat soup. (I love soup) (I can’t believe I used to be afraid of it)! And even though in dark moments I feel the tug, the pull to the dark, back to old habits, I know how to resist. I know how to nourish my body, my mind as best as I can.
I could be better, but I could be so much worse. And for recovery, I am grateful. I am proud. No matter how long it takes.
Books with Rachel
“𝘈𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘴, 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴, 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘶𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘮..."
Wow. Can there be a film remake of this already? Because I basically read this entire novel cover to cover as if I was sitting in a theatre with a bucket full of popcorn and an ice cold beer.
Ishiguro nails it with a story encompassing the love between a machine and the girl she belongs to; artificial intelligence and imaginary entities acquiring human emotions comes into question. Are these feelings real? Is the world of artificial simulation equipped for the emotional ride that is literally likened to a rollercoaster? Perhaps. And that’s where this novel comes in. A girl AF (artificial friend) named Klara is sold as a child’s companion to a girl called Josie who happens to spot her in a shop window. After a bit of resilience from the mother, she gives in and Klara happily joins the family. What begins is an exploration into Ishiguro’s preoccupation with the concept of ‘service’ – how does one value another’s abiding reenactment and how is this received? How does the subject of power burden the two-dimensional and where do the powerless fit in? Visual stimuli that surrounds us as humans is processed with a somewhat cubist flair by Klara with moments of disjointed and expressive robotic nourishment- for example, technology becomes referred to as ‘oblongs’ and upgraded versions of robots are again, seen as the superior and the next ‘must have’. Her responses allude to a dash of innate morality – she pushes the boundary between the soulless and the spineless and the concept of humanoid sympathy. Is that a thing? Or is that just me glitching over the seamless way that Ishiguro manages to turn the robot stereotype on its head?
Ishiguro also highlights the enormity of love; the love between human and robot – does such a love exist? His characters seem to carry within them, a kind of redemptive dignity that surfaces on each page. A type of heartbreak yearning for true understanding within a world full of sometimes irreparable sorrow. Be prepared to feel all the feels and to be absorbed in a world full of the ‘machine’ – it’s another one of those novels that will leave you questioning the power of them and if they’ll murder you at night or if it’s possible to lead a life alongside them in harmony. Kinda feeling like we’re going towards a life NOT the latter.
Movies with Jente
Headstand
Christoph Waltz is a household name when it comes to the Hollywood landscape today, known for his roles in the Tarantino films Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained for which he won two Academy Awards. Born and raised in Vienna, Waltz starred in a plethora of German language media before making a name for himself in Hollywood, one of those films I would like to introduce to you today.
Kopfstand or Headstand is a 1981 Austrian film written and directed by Ernst Josef Lauscher who in our e-mail correspondence revealed the meaning behind its title, stating that he chose the title because of its allegorical meaning as the ‘world is on the Head’ for Waltz’s character*.*
Headstand serves as Waltz's film debut in which he also played the leading role of 18-year-old Markus Dorn, a misunderstood teen with an unhappy home life. His mother pays little attention to him so when Markus comes home late one evening and ends up in an argument with his mother, she wrongfully accuses him of taking drugs. Markus gets taken to the police station for questioning where the adults are convinced the adolescent boy is 'mentally unbalanced' resulting in him getting sent to a mental institution against his will.
Markus' entire world is turned upside down when he moves into the mental institution; he refuses to cooperate with the corrupt head doctor's evaluations and becomes the victim of brutal electroshock therapy as punishment. Throughout the film there is an occurring theme of adults failing Markus, the only adults he gets along with are the other patients in the asylum who quickly befriend him and even encourage him through the abuse he has to endure, as they are going through the same thing.
In the last act of the film we see Markus slowly trying to adjust to society again after having been changed both mentally and physically, as he has grown older while institutionalised. His demeanour has changed, something Waltz knows how to portray beautifully solely through body language. Markus finds a friend in an older widow named Lydia, whom he’s assigned to take care of by Social Services. Slowly but surely, Lydia learns to trust Markus and sees the decent young man he has become and in turn provides the broken boy with a home his mother failed to give him.
What makes Headstand stand out is the choice to use black and white film, it without a doubt reminds one of the 1975 drama One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest which also takes place in a mental institution. Waltz definitely shines in his breakout performance as the misunderstood youngster, it's refreshing to hear him in his native Austrian accent and to see him at the mere age of 25. Headstand can definitely be categorised as a coming-of-age film alongside it being a drama as the character of Markus Dorn goes through a journey that comes full circle as the film comes to a close. We get a glimpse of what his life was like on the streets, spending time with his peers and rebelling against a society that doesn't understand him. His homelife is bleak, with little literal light used throughout the pieces that take place in his home. When Markus finds himself in the mental institution everything is bright, too bright that it hurts your eyes. It was done almost on purpose not to want to hide the corruption that is taking place in the shadows.
The most beautiful moments take place in the last act, when Markus is released. The outside world looks normally illuminated and realistic and it is both comforting and overwhelming. One of the scenes that jumps out is one in which Markus finds himself overstimulated by the noise of a construction site, sounds he hasn't experienced in what felt like a lifetime of being locked away in the pristine, clean-cut environment of the institution.
If you’re familiar with Christoph Waltz, Headstand is one to check out immediately as it utilises sides of the actor I’m convinced not many have seen before. Not only is it enjoyable to see Waltz’s humble beginnings in his twenties, it shows a softer side of his ability as an actor, whereas most of his notable roles in Hollywood films are in action films or include him playing the villain (typecast much?) Headstand is a fresh take on a trope that has been repeated countless times at this point. It’s an eighties film but aside from the practicalities, it’s almost unnoticeable within the story as the storyline is timeless, almost modern, and still holds up to this day. At its core it’s a story about human connection and the struggle of being a traumatised young adult and learning to grow independently of one's dysfunctional family.
Tarot Reading with Hannah
May 1st – May 12th Beginning of May and Taurus New Moon Tarot reading: Realigning with patience.
With the end of Mercury retrograde, and the move away from intensity from Eclipse season, we can see ourselves beginning to navigate with a newfound balance. However, this balance requires careful forethought – tempering our actions with our minds.
You may find yourself coming up against previously set limitations and barriers, feeling the need to expand, grow and find a new way to take action. You could be analysing what is the ‘right action’ – the ‘right’ way to proceed, move forward, try new things, or respond to potential feelings of limitations in front of you. Sometimes, the best action is inaction. Stillness. Quietness. Slowing down, and seeing that there is no rush, that you do, have time. This is also the gift that the New Moon in Taurus on May 8th brings us.
Taurus energy does not feel the need to rush, nor does it want to. Taurus likes to experience pleasure, joy, and comfort, weighing up options carefully, moving practically, productively, and sometimes stubbornly, to achieve what they set out to do. Saturn, the planet of discipline, commitment, responsibility, and rules, coming into a sextile with the New Moon in Taurus, promotes an excellent time to set new intentions for long-term goals, especially ones that require dedication and patience. The stubbornness of Taurus is beneficial here, as these intentions being set are ones that we feel a deep pull towards achieving. Echoed with the Nine of Wands, we may feel ready to take on the next ‘fight’, wanting to persevere beyond the limitations we may feel are in front of us.
This is also a good time to reflect upon your relationship with money and possessions, and how these may impact your self-worth, or if they are sustainable to reach your long-term goals.
Whilst we may feel empowered to set new intentions and beginnings (as the New Moon promotes fresh starts and new cycles), it’s important to recognise the duality of spontaneity and knowledge, to not swing in extremes, neglecting one for the other. We must also recognise that the feeling of rushing often stems from fear. Fear that if we don’t act now, we won’t ever see change or growth. Here, Saturn’s influence provides a blessing, that moderation and a slower pace of movement provide an inner sense of freedom, moving intentionally from a place of harmony and balance, rather than a fear-based inkling of “it’s now or nothing.”
From this, we can allow ourselves to connect to a place of inner, tempering the need for extremes, providing balance and grace to any presenting fears, and make decisions and take action from a place of mindful understanding. This is the time to reflect upon what motivates your movement, and what goals and aspirations promote the want for self-growth, material growth, or both. Having the boundary to reflect before acting, encourages an openness to possibilities previously unseen. To restructure your relationship with patience – perhaps is not a hindrance, but a gift to realign with purpose and direction.
Free Palestine
Six ways you can help Palestinians - to the university students getting arrested, pat yourselves on the back. We’ve all got your back.
Small Biz Highlight: Landing
If you haven’t seen my reel from yesterday evening yet, you’re missing out. Landing is essentially pinterest meets canva - aesthetics meet moodboard maker. It’s everything I wanted, everything I needed, in late 2021. I use it all the time, so go make your account (it’s all free!) and add me over there (miacaven as usual)! May all your vision boards be the most beautiful ever going forward<3
Love, Mia (& the team) x