Life Doesn't Feel Real - Let's Ground Ourselves.
For those feeling a bit lost - we all are.
Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about death. With so many stars in the news dying accidentally, tragic occurrences all around the world such as bridges breaking, the genocide in Palestine, and the looming fear of my grandparents ageing (and since writing this, one has passed), it seems an inevitable pondering thought these days.
So many friends of mine either have had babies or are pregnant, and likewise makes me think about the opposite end of life as a whole. Life is cut off short for countless people yet the statistics of hundreds, thousands, dying every day, seems simply unrealistic. Until it’s someone you know. Until it’s someone you love. Until it’s you.
What I’m saying is, is that we do not know the time we have, let alone the time we have left. We are lucky to be here at all, to be present, to have lived the two decades and more most of us have lived. Whether you love life or not, that fact is undeniable. I think about what matters. I think about the fear of money that I have, how I spent a lot on a holiday recently and then suddenly you hear about mothers losing their babies to genocide and it doesn’t matter.
If I died tomorrow, would the money I spent trying to treat myself and my family matter at all? No. If your life has been awful, like I thought mine had been when I was 18, then I’d like to put this into perspective for you. Lets say most of us here are generally not at all rich, unable to travel the world, ride camels and elephants, be in the same rooms as celebrities, create world renowned books or movies thanks to mummy or daddy; let’s say we are the average person.
It is likely, you have been in love. In turn, it is then also just as likely, you have experienced heartbreak. You have experienced illness, whether fleeting or constant. You are able to listen to music, to escape in it - same with books, movies, shows, etc. You may have travelled here and there. You’ve probably felt the small town phenomenon on a personal level. You’ve tasted coffee. You’ve smelt vanilla. You feel the shower head beating down on your bare skin. You have experienced pain, and happiness, whether identified or not. I am trying to tell you that maybe your life is not the grand epic social media worthy life you sometimes feel it needs to be. But actually, you have been living a whole life. An entire life. As an entire being. With warmth, and emotions.
Originally I wanted to say; How beautiful is it to experience the human experience? To be alive to read these words. May everyone reading this (and writing) live a long, happy life. May the human experience be forever this raw, real, and beautiful. However - this isn’t how I feel at the moment, and whilst we should be allowed to be thankful for what we do have in life, I am going to instead end on this; May we understand, always, our privilege, to even access this, to write this, to read this.
Sex with Lucy J
I don’t know if it’s just me, or the fact that I just went through such a monstrous break up, but spring is always filled with love in my eyes.
All I have to focus on right now is what I can do for myself, how I can make myself feel better – and I think we are all familiar with the buzzwords that come alongside the idea of self care – but perhaps it’s time to add a little more pep in your step by adding a little extra to your routine.
Some things I often think of when pondering about self care is writing or reading, going on a walk, spilling my guts to friends – but I want to talk masturbation. When it comes to self love, I think we normally think about how we can make ourselves feel better emotionally and just take better care of ourselves in general. Shouldn’t that include… every need?
While historically I think masturbation has been such a mythical and taboo thing… it’s 2024 – the cat is out of the bag (pun intended for some of us). And taking care of yourself should be mental, emotional, and physical – which includes sexual wellness!
There’s been a lot of research on this, too. Masturbation can help with your health, as it stimulates endorphins that combat pain and relieve stress, reducing body tension, improving sleep, raising self-esteem, body image (making yourself feel sexy!) and can strengthen your pelvic floor, and that’s only part of what it can do for you. Along with this, masturbation can help you figure out what you like and what you are comfortable with.
It’s not just about pleasure though, it’s about connecting with yourself. Masturbation can be so scary, as it was for me for a long time and I know I am not alone in that. I think religion can really push this, as can other mainstream “media” outlets, or the thought that it is reserved for a certain gender or relationship status. I think it’s time to normalize it, as it is such a human experience – the need for pleasure is just as natural as any need of our other bodily functions, such as hunger or thirst (of course this is not to say you should do it as much as you need to eat or sleep *insert episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte gets rabbit). But I do urge you to challenge the traditional notions of self love, and/or stigmas around pleasure as a whole.
A few things to consider is what you might use, as some people like it to be only their fingers or … some other home object, toys are really nice, too. I always go with Dame, as they are somewhat affordable and keep it simple, yet effective. So in spring, which is apparently the new season of love, don’t forget about yourself, embrace your own pleasure; love love love your body and what you can do for it.
Food with Bella
Eat Here Not Here
By now you should be aware of the ethical consumer boycott list which everyone should be following in order to support Palestine. The purpose of the boycotts is to inflict economic damage onto companies who are using their money to fund the Israeli government’s genocidal schemes, as they commit unfathomable crimes against humanity, murdering thousands.
Eating out ethically remains crucial in these turbulent times, and I understand it may be hard to keep track of the companies which we should all be avoiding. So, here is a list of companies to AVOID eating at, and where to go instead!
Fancy a pastry and a coffee?
AVOID : STARBUCKS, COSTA & PRET
FOR COFFEE TRY: Cafe Leon Dore.
Set in Soho, London, this quaint but gorgeous coffee shop will certainly satisfy your iced coffee cravings, with a beautiful patio and detailed interior decor, why on earth would you feel the need to visit a commercialised chain ever again?
FOR ALL YOUR CHOCOLATE CRAVINGS TRY: Knoops
A small sustainably sourced chain, this delicious chocolate only shop sells hot chocolates, iced chocolates, milkshakes and pastries. And let me tell you, they are incredible. Knoops has a rather extensive menu of over 20 different types of chocolate, all of which are customisable with a wide range of extra aromatics and seasonings, such as caramel, lavender, chilli and matcha. I have visited Knoops at several locations across the UK, and will be running back very soon.
FOR PASTRY’S TRY: Forno
In the heart of London lies a little Italian cafe called Forno, filled with freshly baked pastries and breakfast goods. Selling my personal favourites such as the custard veneziana, you will never look back at your boycotted brands.
Fancy a Pizza?
AVOID : DOMINOS
TRY: Fatto a Mano
Fatto a Mano is a relatively small pizza chain, with restaurants set only in Brighton and London, but fear not if you live far away, as these pizzas are well worth the trek. With exceptional service every time I have visited, and Neapolitan favourites filling the menu, this brilliantly delicious pizza place will certainly satisfy all your pizza cravings. Both available to eat in and take-away, I highly recommend giving Fatto a Mano a visit at any given opportunity.
Fancy a Burger?
AVOID: McDonalds
TRY: Honest Burgers
These enormous burgers are certainly worth splashing your cash on. Honest Burgers can be found in several major UK cities, and feature both meat and vegan options. With their layout similar to fast food chains, you will be able to find familiarity in both the brilliant comfort food, and laid back surroundings as you indulge in some of the best burgers and chips you will find in the UK.
Fashion with Paula
Current model, stylist, and newfound director known for her bold fashion sense and outgoing personality, Marley Tipper’s Vermont upbringing and temporary return was crucial to her current success in the Los Angeles creative scene. Starting out in Burlington, Vermont, Tipper’s move out to LA proved to be difficult at first. She initially made the leap across the country to study psychology in a local university, but was ushered back home two years into her studies due to the pandemic. “It was my first time dipping my toe in the water,” she said, reminiscing on her early experiences. “It was like my catalyst.”
Craving the hustle of LA, she came back as soon as she could, dropping out to pursue a creative career instead. “I was staying in Santa Ana,” she explained, “and that’s when I really took what I had made from the two years, (...) all my connections, and I just started modeling all the time.”
In her small hometown, she was known for her eccentric fashion sense and outgoing personality, but it’s harder to set yourself apart in a city as big as Los Angeles. Still, Tipper quickly gained a huge following on TikTok, around 650,000 followers at its peak. “I was just really gung-ho, really into the social media side of LA at first. I lived with two of my best friends, and was a total cliche of all of us living in a shitty apartment, and then going out and doing crazy shit.”
However, things are never as glamorous as they seem on the surface, as Tipper recalls. Despite her success, she rarely relished in it because it never felt authentic to her true self. “I feel like for so long, I was really trying to be someone that people can palette. The whole TikTok thing, the California girl thing. I didn’t have tattoos, I had long blonde hair, I was only doing bikini shoots. And that was my claim to fame and everyone loved it, and I was like, ‘Hm, I actually don’t like that at all.’ That’s not me. While it’s a fun side of me that I’m capable of doing really well, it doesn’t feel like the end of it. It feels like the first step on a huge ladder of possibility.”
Being a part of a scene that Tipper didn’t feel she was made for led to a quick burnout and overwhelming desire for a break. “We were too young to really understand the depths of the emotional baggage that would bring. It was really awesome short-term money, connections, ability to do things without short-term consequence. And then it just got a little bit too big. It started seeping in and I thought, okay, this is actually really toxic. This is worsening our growth as people.”
After one year, Tipper made the difficult decision that most creatives don’t have the guts to: she got rid of it all. She deactivated her social media accounts, shaved her head, and moved back to Vermont without a plan, unsure if she’d ever return to Los Angeles. “Everything was gone,” she said. “I went MIA on Instagram, I was like, ‘Fuck everyone.’ I don’t want to be perceived anymore.”
Tipper decided to decompress for a while, lay low and get to know herself before making any other moves. It required introspection and discipline, two things that weren’t often embraced in the scene she had been a part of. “It was burnout mixed with, ‘Oh my gosh, I’ve been building this persona based on every person’s perception of me since I was a child.’”
In Vermont, she took a step back from this persona to meet the current identity she claimed and the one she wanted to become. She came face-to-face with her childhood and teen selves, and explored what it meant to be those people. In doing so, she was completely transformed, and her creative journey began to shift in a different direction.
When she felt ready to get back on her feet in June of 2022, Tipper reached out to a friend she went to college with and was set up with a job as a nanny in LA, a family that she continues to work with to this day. Initially living with a roommate, she soon got her own studio, which she currently calls home. Eager to get back into the scene on her own terms, Tipper went to work right away. “I was dabbling in doing photoshoots, but I wasn’t doing anything with any creative control, just what I was doing before. In October or November [of 2023], I started getting more into wanting my photos, and what I do generally, to go really hard. I wanted you to be able to look at the photos and feel something.”
Slowly but surely, Tipper shifted from being the model in front of the camera to also being the creative mastermind behind it. She was beginning to finally feel like herself, and was therefore able to better express her art. But this, too, came with its own set of obstacles.
Head to Paula’s Instagram to read the rest!
Mental Health with Daria
It’s hard to give a shit about your own mental health when all you can think about is the people of Palestine. Not just in Gaza, but in the West Bank too.
It’s impossible to give a shit about your own troubles whenever you watch a video of a dismembered corpse, a boy capturing his final moments on camera, or the body of a child with their eyes gouged out.
I don’t give a shit about my own things when I see the hand the whole world has to play in this genocide, and the way that Palestine suffers, undeservingly so.
But I also refuse to capitalise on their pain — it is not mine to evoke sympathy from the masses. They are the ones who deserve your support. The fact that Palestinian diaspora, whether on their ancestral land or across all corners of the globe, have to audition for empathy, for sympathy, for the chance to live, breaks every ounce of my soul, spirit and heart. What a cruel world we live in.
I’m not a religious person, but I pray that, in our lifetime, we live to see a day where Palestine is free. Where all countries plagued by empire, colonialism and cleansing are free.
Books with Eve
On “Crying in H Mart” by Michelle Zauner.
As May begins to move forward, furthering the advent of AAPI Heritage Month, I found myself drawn to Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner. Especially grateful that my library hold aligned with this timing, I discovered how beyond solely sorrow, at the heart of this memoir lies the power of food and I divulged in a reading experience mimicking what I can only imagine to be like sensory synesthesia, breathing life into mouth-watering Korean cuisine that, in the book, serves as a vessel for both memories and metaphors.
“Sometimes my grief feels as though I’ve been left alone in a room with no doors. Every time I remember that my mother is dead, it feels like I’m colliding with a wall that won’t give. There’s no escape, just a hard surface that I keep ramming into over and over, a reminder of the immutable reality that I will never see her again.”
You’re hardly a few pages in when you’re greeted with these lines. No word-filled warm up, flashback to the ‘“before” or a short moment of contextualization, just the dwellings of death dropping loud and present. The memoir opens simply with Zauner in the surroundings of a H-Mart that presently haunt her, drowning alongside the speciality aisles in which everything reminds her of her late mother. Stifled by the outlook of life now before her, her thoughts become filled with irrational anger and nonsensical reasoning echoing the sentiments many experience in having lost a loved one.
Simply put, Crying in H Mart is nothing short of soul-stirring and I absolutely bawled alongside each chapter’s exploration of bereavement in which Zauner delicately navigates her Korean-American heritage, while grappling with the profound absence left by her mother’s untimely death. While this is a book about death and cancer and grieving and loss, the core connection between food and memory is a comparison I cannot shake from my mind.
While yes, food has been psychologically proven as an effective trigger for unearthing the deeper memories from our minds, the book’s portrayal of the layered mother-daughter relationship through food and food-related experience makes the overarching metaphor’s impact all the more brilliant. Even our everyday dining experiences draw parallels to the grieving experience from the five basic taste’s association with emotion (i.e. sweetness or bitterness) to the use of words like “digestible” in describing circumstance. In wielding consistent reference to the culinary world, especially within the context of Zauner’s exploration of cultural identity, the memoir contains this ability to connect both universally and intimately, whether or not Zauner’s personal story mirrors your own.
“We sit here in silence, eating our lunch. But I know we are all here for the same reason. We’re all searching for a piece of home, or a piece of ourselves.”
Food is universal, just as grief is: everyone eats food, just as everyone grieves. I tried to savor this book, I really did, but I’m happy to say I instead ended up absolutely devouring it.
Movies with Jente
Saved!
I both love and hate talking about religion, christianity in particular. Mainly for the following reasons: I grew up going to a catholic school (both primary and high school) and I don’t believe in God. I don’t think I believe in anything. What I struggle with sometimes is how I do see myself as a spiritual person - in the broad sense of the word - but my neurodivergent brain struggles to keep up with things it sees as abstract. I enjoy learning about religion, not because I personally see it as truth but as fiction.
Growing up I was led to believe certain things, what were mere stories were presented to me as fact. As a child, you struggle with keeping fact from fiction. For example, when my parents told me stories about their youth they would tell me things were ‘black and white’ when they discussed photographs or television - my childlike brain took this literally: I believed for a long time that the world around them was actually black and white. Kind of like the film Pleasantville.
But, I reiterate, I’ve always had a fascination with religious imagery and certain stories, purely out of curiosity. It bothers me that religion, in the broader sense, gets used by evil people to hide their evil deeds behind. Because that was never the point of religion, right? Wasn’t it meant to bring people together? Give a sense of community? Teach people how to be a better person? Why do so many of these stories get taken out of context, rewritten, repurposed in a completely different housing?
The film we’re discussing today interests me for that reason. Saved! Is a 2004 American independent satirical black comedy film directed by Brian Dannelly, starring Jena Malone, Mandy Moore, Macaulay Culkin to name a few. Malone portrays the main character Mary, a devout evangelical Christian who thinks she can “cure” her gay boyfriend by having sex with him. Mary (obviously) fails to do so and instead becomes pregnant, resulting in her being ostracised by her schoolmates. Mary begins to question her faith and slowly learns to find a healthy relationship with God, one that goes back to the source, one that is built on love and not on rules.
After being shunned by her peers, Mary finds solace in a unlikely band of misfits: Roland, a paraplegic who’s very open about the fact that he doesn’t identify as Christian; Eva, a rebellious Jewish girl and the coolest chick you’ll ever meet; and Patrick, the son of the local Pastor/principal who later on becomes Mary’s love interest.
The film got met with mixed reviews from critics, mainly on its blending of religious satire with a teen coming-of-age story. Which is precisely why I loved it so much. Saved! perfectly shows how ridiculous and cartoonish the church can be. Hiding behind their dogma and spreading fear instead of love, Saved! shows that it’s not wrong to be a believer, you’re just doing it in a way that was decided for you and not by you. It doesn’t throw religion completely out of the window but takes a more personal approach.
The director and co-writer has been open about how much of the plot has been based on his experiences while attending a Baptist Christian high school. I think it’s worthy to make note of this as the film clearly has its heart in a positive place and shows how the medium of film and comedy can be a tool to heal and help other people see things from a different angle. I enjoy media like this, even as a non-believer, one of my favourite TV series on the planet is Mike Flannegan’s Midnight Mass which at its core is a story about the dangers of blind devotion, with a hot priest à la Fleabag to boot.
Saved! Is much lighter than Midnight Mass, its comedy and performances feel similar to But I’m a Cheerleader, which is a cult-classic in its own right. Another thing that stood out to me is the way this film represents a character who has a disability. Roland is paraplegic, meaning he is paralysed from the waist down and has to use a wheelchair. And even though Roland is a side-character, he doesn’t get portrayed as a token character but gets his own (heartwarming) side-plot while at the same time not putting difficulties that his disability causes on the sideline. If it wasn’t for Eva, he would probably have been my favourite character in this film.
Overall it’s noteworthy to see a teen film not shy away from subjects like teen pregnancy, questioning your religion, life as a disabled teen and homosexuality while putting a refreshing and light spin on it by using comedy.
Saved! Is an underrated gem in that regard and is worth checking out - even if your relationship with religion is non-existent or as complex as mine.
Interior Design with Lauren
Shelf Styling
I recently purchased a mid century modular shelving unit and styling it has been the greatest joy I could hope for. When I moved into my new apartment I quickly realized that I had the perfect blank wall for a modular shelving system and I immediately began scouring Facebook marketplace, kijiji and instagram. I ended up finding my shelving unit on instagram being sold by a refinisher that specializes in mid century furniture.
After hanging the shelves and finding, what I hoped to be the perfect balance between the left and right side, I was finally able to start styling the shelves. I knew I wanted to use the wooden box with the storage drawer as a small bar top and I just happened to have the perfect 60s glass set to go with my measly liquor collection. I also knew that it would only be practical to use the two lower shelves on the right side for book storage. While I love the way that the shelf looks now I'm excited that it can be rearranged and refigured in the future to fit whatever I'm most interested in displaying and showcasing.
Tarot Reading with Hannah
May 13th – 26th (Full moon Sagittarius May 23rd)
Moving towards the new.
May 21st sees the beginning of Gemini season – a time for increased socialisation, mental stimulation, new ideas and opinions. Gemini encourages creativity, self-expression and finding balance between the spiritual and the material. Gemini rules the hands, so we can expect to want to physically make things happen, to take your ideas and bring them into existence through creation. Early into Gemini season, we see the Full Moon in Sagittarius on May 23rd.
Full moons are a time of release, of completion and ending one cycle to begin another. Sagittarius, ruled by Jupiter, is an expansive energy, promoting philosophical thinking, freedom, adventure, ambition, and curiosity. Sagittarius can also be rather impatient. With the Full Moon in Sagittarius opposing Venus and Jupiter in Taurus, we might find that we feel an increase of emotional understanding and needs, potentially seeking a more philosophical, spiritual or religious understanding. There may also be a feeling of wanting freedom from anything too deep or heavy, favouring positivity over dwelling on anything too serious.
The Tarot Card representing the main energy of these two weeks is the Six of Swords. This represents movement away from a painful cycle, leaving behind the things we hold onto that continue to hurt us, in favour for greener pastures, with a more positive look ahead. With the Queen of Wands on the bottom of the deck, we’re looking to invite in energies of optimism, confidence and passion. The Queen of Wands is often depected as a socialite – the life of the party, so this is what we’re wanting to move towards. Enjoying life, having fun, and leaving behind the heaviness and weight of winter.
The Six of Swords can also represent moving into warmer climates, and recovery. As Gemini season begins, we feel and see an upswing in our energy levels, wanting to expand, create and socialise. There is the added benefit of feeling as if we’re recovering from things we feel have held us back. Just as the sun provides us with more energy, gives our skin a healthy glow and increases our serotonin levels, we can start to feel an energising increase in the next two weeks. A key thing to remember: we’re still moving away from that which we have been struggling with. The six of swords encourages us to keep the lessons and wisdom from what we have learned in the winter, whilst journeying towards something brighter.
The beginning half of these two weeks we’re still experiencing a slower pace, not wanting to rush, and moving forward practically. The end of Taurus season feels like a respite before we pick up the pace again with Gemini season. This is a time of maintaining a balance between what we want to move towards; whilst honouring respect for what we have been through, keeping the lessons, and looking forward to what they can bring.
Free Palestine
It has been seven months. As those are killed, bombed, massacred, celebrities attend the met gala. This is not the Hunger Games. This is our real life. Do your part, to whatever extent you can. Tap here to understand and take part in the block out.
Small Business Highlight - Wilde House Paper
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